Reflections from my counselling journey exploring connection, emotional wellbeing, relationships, and healing — shared gently, honestly, and with hope for those navigating life’s complexities.
When Behaviour Is Really About Connection
Lately, I’ve been reflecting deeply on attachment and the way it shapes children and young people, particularly through the work of Dr Gordon Neufeld and Dr Gabor Maté. One of the biggest shifts for me has been realising that behaviour is often not the real issue. What can look like withdrawal, resistance, a negative attitude, or shutting people out is often something happening underneath: a young person trying to stay connected, protect themselves, or make sense of their world.
As a counsellor-in-training, this has encouraged me to move away from asking, “What’s wrong with this young person?” and instead gently wonder, “What might be happening in their relationships or attachment world?”
One idea from Neufeld’s work that really stayed with me is the understanding of attachment as a kind of compass. Children and young people look to the people they feel connected to in order to understand themselves, feel safe, and navigate life. When those relationships feel secure and grounded in safe adult connection, young people are often more able to grow, explore, and develop confidence in who they are.
Another insight that challenged my thinking was the idea of peer orientation. While friendships are an important and natural part of growing up, Neufeld explains that difficulties can arise when peers become a young person’s primary source of identity, belonging, and guidance instead of trusted adults. This helped me think differently about behaviour that may appear like defiance or distancing from caregivers.
What also stood out to me is that some young people remain in more surface-level relationships because a deeper connection can feel vulnerable or unsafe. Sometimes fitting in, keeping things light, or focusing heavily on peers may actually be a way of protecting themselves from hurt, especially for children and young people who have experienced trauma, disruption, or relational loss.
This learning has reminded me how important it is not to rush people. Connection takes time. Feeling truly safe enough to be seen and known often develops slowly and gently.
I also appreciate how, here in Aotearoa, New Zealand, attachment and belonging are often broader than just parents alone. Whānau, whakapapa, culture, and community all play important roles in helping children and young people feel grounded and connected. That feels important to hold alongside attachment theories that often come from a Western perspective.
More and more, I’m learning that healing and growth rarely begin with “fixing behaviour.” They begin with relationship, safety, gentleness, and connection. And sometimes, beneath even the most challenging behaviour, there is simply a young person asking, “Am I safe here? Do I matter? Will someone stay?”
That feels important to hold with softness, patience, and hope.
Inspired By
- Dr Gordon Neufeld & Dr Gabor Maté — Hold On to Your Kids
- Attachment-informed and relational counselling approaches
- Personal reflections from my counselling studies and lived experience